Allans Coffee Brandy
Oh readers,
What's brewed in Mass'chusetts but all sold to Maine?
allenscoffeebrandy
Syrupy, sweet, lil' perk of caffeine?
allenscoffeebrandy
if Northern Maine commonsense be something you wish,
allenscoffeebrandy
hop down to the liquor barn, a whole aisle there, you can't miss!
allenscoffeebrandy
allenscoffeebrandy
Allen's Coffee Brandy (M.S. Walker, inc.) is best written about glass-in-hand. This tends to lend itself to poetry that smells just as the drink does (charming, don't get the wrong idea). How else would one sing its praises? Famed in Maine, it is infamous online. You'll find accolades like 'epidemic' adjacent to 'lily of the tundra' and 'fat ass in a glass' (better yet, 'gorilla milk') within every article; bottles lying around murders, math homework, and motherhood all the same.
You, realistically, should also have some Allen's in hand for reading about this. But that may be hard to come by so far from the great pine tree state. What's brewed in Massachusetts but essentially all sent to Maine? Allen's Coffee Flavored Brandy. A tradition of excellence, on the decline, Allen's came to the scene in the late 60's and has until very recently been widely agreed to be the #1 (and #2, and #3, and so on, coming in different sizes, the rankings for each unit ebb and flow each year) selling alcohol in Maine for decades: "first brand to exceed a million sales [in ME],"; "enough for every man, woman, and child, every year,"; "a phenomenal amount shipped north every month." In 2018 it was, just barely, outsold by nips of Fireball. Something to be said about the times.
Come to Maine and you might be wondering why there's milk behind the bar, down there, always keeping cold in the well. Notice I didn't specify which bar: I can think of only one that "doesn't want to attract the wrong crowd," and, well, they're a Fireball kinda place masquerading as the most upscale place in town. Anyway, as far as Creature Comforts go, this rite of passage is a simple and infallible combination. Pint glass. Ice. Allen's Coffee Flavored Brandy, matched with just as much fresh milk. Alcohol, coffee, stomach-neutralizing milk, all easily (read: blatantly) disguised in a Dunkin’ cup makes this a 24/7 affair statewide. Try it in a float, or your Reese's puffs. We've tricked enough people into tasting the Tootsie Roll flavor of Allen's with OJ. Go ahead, the Digesto does specify “Lots of Parties,” Allen's is easy to put down, 60 proof, and far more than a punchline. Equal parts start-your-day and how we almost always ended it.
On whose authority you ask? While I've had more than twenty winters here, I have nothing on the multi-generational daily drinkers who have been keeping Allen’s lamps lit for so long. You might call me a flatlander for speaking from the south on the ways of the north. I'm no certified Maine Guide, but my interests are not conflicted. I once tried to drive some out west and had great quantities explode in my trunk at altitude crossing the Continental Divide. So call me a superspreader instead, at least until the hangovers catch up. Allen's is so inexorably linked to Maine's myth, ritual, and symbol, so much so that it was once suggested for the back side of the Maine quarter. And if it's not on offer you're at the wrong party. The wrong bar. The wrong day-job.
I set off to write on this more personally. Just as well, you've received an appropriately Allen's Coffee Flavored transmission of consciousness; it's easy to follow Allen's reputation online once you know of its existence thanks to theAssociated Press, Washington Post, MSNBC, and even the grand NYT when it survived the FourLoko Ban of our heydays. Those stories follow similar tones: speaking on the light and dark sides of Allen's as balanced as it is with milk. Everyone lists the myriad aliases, the updated sales stats. I'm telling you this because there's one quote though, that cannot be left out of any ACFB story. T.J.Connolly, a well-versed defense lawyer in Portland, ME, famously sums it up: "It keeps you awake, it keeps you going, it keeps you sexualized."
Pour up.
-Nick “Allen’s Coffee Flavored” W.
