Three Obituaries for the Rotting Produce in My Fridge

Cilantro

Verdant, complex, and distinct, Cilantro was a renowned garnish that brightened every dish it touched. The celebrated bouquet was called to the compost bin on July 16, 2022, at just seven weeks old after suffocating in a plastic produce bag on a Whirlpool shelf. While Cilantro had an established spot next to wilted bags of spinach and bendy carrots in the icebox, in bygone days it once thrived on the countertop when placed in a mason jar of water. 

Cilantro was known as “Coriander” by friends in the United Kingdom and played a central role as a steadfast champion of Indian, Mexican, Thai, and Caribbean cuisines. Though it was a luminary to many, the culinary world was divided regarding Cilantro, as many believed it tasted like soap and avoided dishes that included the vibrant herb. Long-time friends, Onion and Lime, will deliver the final eulogy for Cilantro at a private ceremony this Friday, where Carne Asada tacos will be served. Family and friends ask for privacy during this difficult time. 

Cucumber

On October 7, 2022, the vegetable commonwealth lost the humble cucumber. A long-time comrade to tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, and a single, big-ass red onion ring, cucumbers were oft overshadowed by gullies of ranch and craters of croutons. “Cukes,” as it was sometimes called, was beloved by crudité enthusiasts, gyro platters, fancy water, and the haggard eyes of society types across the Upper East Side.

Like a caterpillar that transforms into a butterfly, the cucumber served as the launch pad for endless pickle varieties, though it dazzled as a kosher dill. The creeping vine plant spent its final days mashed into a Frigidaire wall behind a pile of takeout boxes, sunken, soft, and cracking with discoloration from dreams of what might’ve been. In lieu of flowers, the House Salad family wishes memorial contributions be made to your local plant nursery and kindly asks that you listen to “Cucumba” by Macka B on YouTube.

Strawberry

Known for their vibrance and flawlessness, 12 scarlet red strawberries departed on Sunday, December 11, 2022, after developing a black and green fungal infection colloquially known to the produce community as “mold.” Each of the berries will be fondly remembered for their unique shapes ranging from globose to conic and, most notably, necked.

“The Driscoll’s,” as they were known, were always deeply involved in creative pursuits, though they shined their brightest at the height of summer, macerated with balsamic vinegar and black pepper. They are survived by cream cheese, chocolate, shortcake, and crème fraîche – as well as cantaloupe, grapes, pineapple, and kiwi, all of whom had an upcoming trip planned to a potluck together. The Driscoll's were larger than life and are deeply missed by the fruit community and Valentine’s Day advocates. May they all rest in peace.

Hilary Harty is a Chilean freelance writer and silly goose currently based in Seattle who gets too hungry for dinner at eight. She is like if Joey Potter from Dawson’s Creek was cast in a Lars von Trier film about how food preferences are deeply tied to childhood experiences. Follow her on Instagram @iamsoupdumpling